A thought that keeps occurring to me, though thoroughly silly, is that I am more excited for the cast reunion special of Harry Potter than I am for Christmas right now.  What an absurd thought. But, with so much in the unknown right now, I DO know I will be able to watch Harry Potter reunion. It will be on HBO Max & there aren’t a lot of things that can keep me from it (just death, I guess.) 

I’m waiting to see if Covid cancels another Christmas. And that makes me sad – like so many others. What a beautiful antithesis that runs opposite of that thought, though… what we all wish for is to be with the people we love. That is what matters most. 

It’s easy to get stuck in my feelings with so much bad news. People I dearly love are really sick. I’m very worried. Others are hurting in their relationships. I haven’t been able to see my friends recently. My health is frustrating and keeping me from doing things I like even at home. 

Yet, to dwell in the bad just makes things worse. As I was getting ready to be disappointed for Christmas, and getting excited for Harry Potter, I realized something devastating about myself. That out of all of the characters in Harry Potter that I’d like to be like, the one I truly am is Dudley. Literally the worst. 

Dudley is Harry’s cousin, for those that don’t know. (If you don’t; what are you doing with your life? Pick up HP 1, or text me & I will drop off a copy for you!!) What makes him so dislike-able is his ungrateful, royal pain in the ass attitude. He’s above everyone, expects people to treat him like a king, and so mean! Probably the most infamous Dudley scene is when he’s counting his presents for his birthday and realizes that he didn’t get as many gifts as he did last year… and there’s like 20-some gifts AND he’s going to the zoo for his birthday… It’s SO annoying & funny. & me. 

When I’m in pain, & Covid is swirling, & I’m sad , & my plans get ruined – it’s like I am looking at the Lord saying “this isn’t fair” when I have a pile of 20 presents behind me, but I’m missing MORE. MORE, MORE, MORE! That’s what I want! OK God, you gave me so many things, but the fact that you haven’t met these expectations is so stupid. You’ve answered everyone of my prayers. You’ve protected me & my family against covid so far. You’ve done so much, but I deserve everything I want all of the time & never to suffer! Signed, Dudley. 

That’s just it: I’m so overwhelmed with blessings that I’ve been spoiled. Yeah, suffering sucks & it’s real. But to act like life isn’t worth living anymore or that I have nothing to be thankful for is bullshit. It makes me think of the obvious fact we Americans forget: the poorest people in the hardest countries are always the happiest. Because they know what really matters in life & it isn’t getting everything you want… 

One way or another, we’ll get through this. Life will go on. (Even if it doesn’t, to die is gain.) God has not abandoned me even though plans are cancelled or my fears consume me. I have to realize that I don’t deserve anything I have. And that he’s given me the very best thing that exists in the universe already; his son. 

I also just read in Luke 18 about the Pharisee vs. the tax collector’s way of worshipping God. And I realized that I’m like the Pharisee, “Thank God I am not like that tax collector.” When I really need to realize, “Be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.” 

God’s given us so much. This material world convinces us that life sucks when it really, truly doesn’t (with Jesus.) We’ve been given all we need and more. 

Anyway, these are just some thoughts I’ve had as I’ve been throwing a fit as another wave of Covid comes & another round of pain with my other illnesses. There’s so much to be grateful for. Every day is a gift. Even sick or in pain. Look to the Lord. Look to Jesus. He feels it. He knows it. He weeps with you. But he also rejoices with you despite the pain, exhaustion, frustrations. Love is what matters this Christmas and nothing can kill God’s love for you. 

One thought on “Dudley”

  1. This is wonderful sweet Elli! Sorry you are suffering but glad it’s making you put your eyes on the next life…..the good one.

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