My life would look so extremely under ordinary on paper to anyone. Yet, there’s so much I get to experience that is miraculous, profound, blessed, & unbelievable on the daily.
It’s the hilarious paradox that is humanity: I am so small, yet I matter so much. I believe this is because there is a creator who made us to be significant. Since he is eternal & omnipresent he is able to love each one of his creations uniquely. I have experienced his presence, love & grace more than ever lately. Although the mundane is trying & humorless if I take a step back I can clearly see his hand at work in my life & my friends’ lives. The harder & more trying life is the easier it is to doubt God’s work & presence. Sometimes I think he is not there at all. But those times are turned around quickly when I ask him for help. My faith is not perfect, not even close. At times I feel more faithless than ever. Yet, God continually restores me no matter what I do, think or say, he still loves me.
I thought I’d just write down some things & thoughts that have been happening for future me. And it helps me to process when I write. I always, always feel uplifted & grateful after writing. Sometimes I think God has granted me this special relating time with him that is writing. I don’t know if that’s true or how that would work I just know that it is a truly special way I get to process & when he is involved, he helps me experience gratitude. I think it has something to do with sitting down & thinking – big picture, small details – allowing him to reveal what I miss. Quiet thought is extraordinary, especially when He is involved.
- I am so in love with being a stay at home mom. I never thought I’d love it as much as I do. I get to be home (yay) quite frequently with my son who I get to play with, relate with & watch grow. I know not everyone has the means to do this so I know I am blessed. Some hard parts are when I am at home for long stretches it becomes easy to be isolated from other adults/peers. Your mind starts going crazy & your feelings follow. I am grateful for people in my life early on who taught me to get out of the house even though it is really hard. (Adi & my mom. They continue to help me do that. It’s so great to plan a busy week. Even if I show up somewhere flustered, it’s better than being home! I’m so thankful for friends who still want to hang out with me even though it’ll mean hanging out with a one year old. And SO many of them come to me!!) Also, I couldn’t do this without our fellowship. We have Mom’s Groups, chats, childcare, babysitting for time in the word… so many provisions as a result of moms looking out for each other & serving out of already drained lives. Extraordinary to have these women to look up to & rely on.
- Although there is so much going on in our ministry it is easy to be at peace. God has been providing so much that it is hard to get anxious or worried about this or that since he seems to take care of it before I can understand what the issue was. This is comforting in a very freeing sort of way. And has allowed me to enjoy ministry in a much different way. He continues to provide for me & that continues to amaze me.
- Schedules rock. I started using schedules with Jay when he was a newborn & realized how much I am like a newborn. In many ways, but in this way: schedules make me happier. I have found I am less worried, more productive & relaxed because I know my schedule allows for the things I need to get done, worry about & allows time to do things that will fill me with the Spirit. Of course, we’re fluid. We’re really only home 2-3 days a week. But that’s part of the schedule: to get outside of our tribal hole or invite outsiders in. It’s refreshing to feel this freedom.
- I have another random hobby that started with reading my Bible. I’d read my passage & then doodle a verse I wanted to meditate on for awhile. When I was done doodling, I realized how much fun I had doing it. I started doing it during teachings, too, and it helps me slow down, think through the word, but also helps me be creative & colorful. (I know, I’m not that colorful, but it’s fun to pretend.)
- Reading is still really cool. Sorry, I’m not trying to sound repetitive. I just love it. I’ve read a good many good books this year. I’m currently in between books trying to focus on a Bible teaching I have coming up, but I cannot wait to get into the next one. God sure did bless us with books.
- Jay is talking more than ever. Not real words, but cadences & inflections that sure sound like he’s making some really valid points. It’s hilarious & fun. I can’t wait to hear about what’s on his mind! I also love listening to him & staring at him all day long. Somehow, he’s cuter than ever. I am really thankful I enjoy him since I was so afraid I would really hate him. I do, of course, get frustrated & mad at him a lot. I see my sin so horribly being a mom & being a tired wife. It sucks a lot that my family & friends have to experience the consequences of my sin. Yet, grace abounds! And I get to remain with them & learn repentance & grace over & over again.
- Zak & I will be celebrating our sixth year of marriage. It’s wonderful to think about how far we have come together. He’s definitely my person. I laugh thinking about how the Lord truly did grant me my hearts wishes by allowing me to marry Zak. He’s way out of my league in so many ways. I am so grateful. This year I have watched him overcome, sacrifice, persevere, serve, laugh & be victorious. He’s really carried me & Jay so many times its unbelievable. (I am comforted thinking how much God has used me in his sanctification lol.) I can’t wait to see what the Lord does through this amazing, godly man. It is such a privilege to participate in his life. He continues to amaze me!
So, that’s that! Gratitude is having its effect. Praise God for the time to sit, reflect, praise, pray & all while eating a danish. What joy.
Jay has been in the basement pretty quiet for some time now so I should go see what that’s about…