2 / +1 / 30

Last month James turned 2! Having a little angel baby that is now 2 years old is so wild. I can’t explain it at all. Lately I’ve had so many people ask me what it’s like to be a mom & I just can’t put it into words. It’s a privilege & an uncertainty. I’ve never been more in love & more tired. I didn’t know I could push my body so hard & yet want to suffer so much (lol). I guess motherhood is full of contradictions, which makes a lot of sense once you’re in it. 

Some things I’ve learned these past 2 years are: 

• This too shall pass / the Long view: I guess I mean that I used to live so momentary & so present. If I felt bad my day was ruined. If I was tired, I’d cancel… But now I realize how much I can do/get through while all these other factors are pressing on me. I know that today is just a day. If it is bad, we have tomorrow. I know that if Jay has been cranky or not sleeping that there will be sometime soon in the future when this problem will no longer be. And more positively, I’m planning for life ahead. I can see that my life is constantly changing. The older Jay gets, the more I’m able to do some things, and not do others. That’s OK. I can look ahead with hope at my life, at my marriage & look forward to each stage Jay is going to enter. This sounds so… basic… But like, wow, is it life changing to have this perspective. It’s freedom. It’s hope. I helps you understand & look forward to heaven! This life, too, will pass & I’ll soon be in heaven forever. It’s not all about now, even though the now is really precious & important & does effect my mood… it’s just not the big, long view. 
• Being a mom can be really fun if you put your agenda aside (the hard part is that you do still have shit to do.) Somedays I really just want to get shit done. But Jay has other plans. He wants to stack blocks according to their shape or watch cars go fast (or slow) or use my legs as a ramp for his monster trucks to crash off of. While my agenda presses on the back of my mind at all hours, here’s a little precious boy in front of me who just wants to relate. The times I can & do set aside everything & just be with him are by far the best. I think I’m learning to not only have fun, but to loosen up. I have been praying that I can loosen up a lot more so I can enjoy him (& his brother to come.) 
• I thrive on a schedule. That’s the tension, I guess, with the above point. I’ve learned that my anxiety/depression/laziness is helped so much by having a schedule for each day. It’s simple because Jay also thrives on a schedule so I use his, mostly. But then, I also realized pre-planning things like what to eat everyday & what to clean everyday really decrease my overall stress levels. Even though I’m a fairly organized person I am still by no means a practical person. It’s always the little practical things that set me off. So, having planned 5 dinners to rotate through each month & daily cleaning goals really eliminate the “what do I do now” & give me something to do when I’m lethargic without needing to think practically. It’s been really cool, actually. Apart from cleaning & cooking, I also plan workouts, something fun to do with Jay daily (nothing too big, usually just getting out of the house in some way everyday) & what I’m going to read when. This is such a dull/adult/you’re-definitely-turning-30-this-year thing to be excited about, but I find myself thanking God often for these schedules & provisions they allow me. 
• Truly, my son makes me so happy. I guess I already said this, but it’s what I want to say. He’s beautiful, hilarious, precious & smart. He laughs like a maniac & constantly wants to joke with you. His expressions make me spit laughing. And the questions he asks catch my off guard. He is focused, determines & observant. He already knows the alphabet & can count to 20. He knows all the colors & loves sorting shapes, colors, sizes. I think he’s a genius. I look forward to seeing him every morning even if he wakes me up early after a very insomnia filled night. I know I don’t deserve him. My prayer & wish is that I’m deserving of him. I know I won’t ever be, so my real prayer is that he can give me grace someday. There’s so much more I wish I was for him. I lose my temper very easily, I am not super touch/feel person, I don’t smile at him enough, I don’t encourage him enough, I get distracted by my phone so easily, I’m impatient & not so understanding… I can go on. I wish I could be better for him & his brother, but this want has increased my appreciation & need for grace. Grace upon grace. 
• How wonderful it is to have a teammate who is so helpful & whose goal is to be a great father & husband. I must brag. I truly have the most wonderful teammate in Zak. He loves Jay better than I could. He wants to be with him all of the time. He helps me so much by spending one on one time with him daily. They have tons of inside jokes & things they do together. Jay asks Zak to do something or go somewhere & Zak immediately is on board. They communicate so well & have such a special relationship I just don’t have with him. It’s so precious, special, wonderful to see. I couldn’t be more proud of his commitment to be a loving father. I know it’ll change when we have a second for both of us, but Zak has build such a foundation with Jay that I’m really not too worries. Even when he’s so busy & exhausted, he makes time for Jay in the most creative ways sometimes, as only dads can do. I just hope someday Jay can appreciate Zak for all that he is. And I can, too. He’s completely committed to me when I’m so unworthy. He takes my burdens even when he has his own that are almost always more important. He always expresses gratitude to me even when I did the bare minimum or gave up for the day. I’m so thankful & wouldn’t know how to do any of this without Zak. I still can’t believe our young romance turned out to be such a real, raw, authentic bond that has gotten me through so much in life – sickness, depression, anxiety, motherhood, change, uncertainty. Zak’s foundation in Jesus made this possible. I praise God for what he’s given me in marriage as I am the least likely to ever have a successful one. 

So yeah, we’re having another boy! He’s due to come in December. I can’t tell you how afraid I am to have two kids. A lot of my scheduling & standards are going to be out the door, I know it. It’s not like people have told me how hard it’ll be or anything negative like that. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, lol. My two best friends are new moms of 2, but have handled it so gracefully. And if anything, God has used this change in their lives to become meeker, stronger women more able to handle harder circumstances, yet humbled along the way. I really want to be like them & am so glad I have them as examples. Even as they’ve had so much going on, they’ve been so quick to serve me in my pregnancy/insomnia days. Sometimes, when we hang out, I just sit there & hardly say anything because I’m so tired or out of it. Yet they still love me & want to be my friend. It’s so cool. 

I can’t think of a name for our baby boy, but I can’t wait to meet him (and see what we end up naming him, lol). He’s going to be so blessed with his family, extended family, friends & body of Christ surrounding him. We are so blessed. 

Lastly, this is so stupid, but it’s a bigger part of my life than I like to admit: I have to comment on the Rings of Power show. If you know me, you know how much time & emotion the world of Tolkien takes up in my life. It has always been around, but especially in motherhood has been a background that helped me through sleepless nights & even process change/circumstances/fill my head when anxiety wanted to take over. It’s been so fun to read, research, listen, learn all about LOTR +. But this show, man – maybe it’s because it’s too close to home, but just hasn’t captured the beauty of the world at all. I’m sad about it. It’s mostly the cheesiness/terrible writing that does it for me. The really intense/cringey scenes that just don’t happen in LOTR are ridiculous. I know a lot of people enjoy it, which is great. But, it’s felt like something so personal has been really messed with,  I guess. I think a lot of people who like it this deeply are having that emotional reaction. Anyway, so silly, but that’s been on my mind. If anything, it’s made me turn more to the text to defend Tolkien’s legacy than every before. Someday, I’ll get to talk to him about LOTR in heaven, which is gonna be really fun. I wish I could be as creative & thorough & committed as he was. (What HAS been an amazing show is House of the Dragon. Wowee, it’s so unfortunate that ROP has to compare to that!)

But hey, I got a whole lifetime ahead of me. I’m only 30 (in a week) & feeling more myself than I’ve ever felt in my life. Which is pretty hopeful if you ask me. 

And no, I’m not going to name baby #2 something from LOTR. I wish, but that would just be a little too weird.