Twilight Phase

With everything going on this season I have been very calm, too calm. I think it would have scared me how calm I was except for the fact that I was too calm to worry.

I am usually a very anxious and nervous person, I mean, I AM a very anxious and nervous person.

This holiday came up swiftly. Every year, the excitement fades from the childhood dreams of christmas to anxiety about not knowing who wants what. This year, I didnt even worry about that. I was just
going along on my own, being tired… until christmas hit me in the face. Then I was just gliding on my own again.

I would have said this whole not being anxious thing was very good for me… But, I was focusing on myself the whole time. I didn’t get into my word at all over break and hardly prayed. I rarely thought about God and would give him a second after I went through my day without him already.

Something had to change, so I tried to change it myself. I liked my mellow mood very much but I was at a total stand still.

After the neutral-ness became apparent, I tried to focus on getting back to growing spiritual, myself. After discipleship, I realized AGAIN i can’t do it on my own.

So I prayed about it and decided to start Galations, which I should have started when we started studying it in CT.

So, the past 2 days have been a lot better. I am able to focus on my walk and working on some of my relationships like Lauren and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me when i talk to my parents.

Just thought I’d share that because it has been pretty darn cool seeing how God can work, again… :))

tomorrow: best day ever

I have this thing where i mark the 4, 12, and 13 of every month with a big BEST DAY EVER! the 4 is the THIRD BEST DAY EVER! the 12 is the SECOND BEST DAY EVER!! and the 13 is the THE BEST DAY EVER!!! These, as you may have guessed, are my favorite numbers. I really liked even numbers as a kid. 4 was the number on my first basketball jersey, big ben’s number, and of course, its the perfect number for everything. 12 has always been my favorite number (until now.) It is my dad’s favorite number, the number of donuts i can eat (probably,) and i dont know why else… but it was my favorite for a long time. Then i came accross the number 13! I never thought of 13 being anyone’s favorite number… but i really am not superstitious at all. 13 is awkward, NOT even, and multiply it by two and it equals 26… a number i hate. But for whatever reason (with added props from it being delonte’s) i chose to have it be my favorite number. So it came to it being the best day ever of every month….

but this best day ever happens to be on a home church thursday! Not any home church, it is THE HOME CHURCH! Well, it will be the best day ever… why? glad you asked ’cause i am dying to tell….

1. home church: we have already gone over this point. i love hc! its super fun!!

2. there is this terror special on the history channel later that night that i have been waiting since monday to see. the commercials look soo interesting!! I am a fan of history and Adi definitely got me into watching the history channel.

3. Journalism: I have been trying for 2 weeks to write an NBA story and it didnt come-writer’s block-until now! i am for some reason excited to continue writing it. I would be doing so at present buuuuttttt, i didnt feel like carrying anything home.

4. i’m gunna wear my new shoes tomorrow. i get excited by these things.

5. the reason WHY it will be the BEST DAY EVER!!!: COURTNEY IS COMING TO HOME CHURCH!!!!! HOW KICK ASS IS THAT!?! I can’t wait! i was so fearful of inviting her AGAIN but when i finally did, she said she wanted to! the Lord has answered my prayers!!! SO if everyone could pray that nothing will get in the way of her coming, that would be the best thing ever!


Now you know why it will be the best day ever: its the 13 and courtney is coming to hc!
woo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

the suns gunna rise in a mile, in a mile you’ll be oding fine

but trust me,
i hush puppies.

Sorry, i am listening to Lupe.

<a href=” fiasco” target=”_blank”><img src=”” border=”0″ alt=”lupe fiasco Pictures, Images and Photos”></a>

So i have been thinking a lot lately about relationships. I feel like i am always dissing people, which i am.. and i especially feel bad about one person. I dont exactly have many best friends. In fact, i havent had pretty tight people for awhile. I used to have like five best friends. There was Cara, Heather, Bianka, Miranda and Asta. Then there was Kelly, Bianka, Mallory, Sam¬†and Asta. Then Courtney, Sarah, Lindsay, Gina and Asta… you get the point. Well I moved, Cara stayed. same with Heather. Bianka left. Miranda moved to Singapore, came back and left. Kelly never accepted me after we didnt see eachother for a year. Bianka left… Mallory left badly. Sam left horribly. But Asta has always been there. Yeah, we have had so many rough patches but i have only focused on those. This weekend, a rush of realization came over me and i had a sense of what she is going through. I never could relate to her on this level. I always wondered why i couldnt say everything or why she was always talking. Well i figured out why and im not going to say it here. But i feel for her. And i realize that she DOES care for our relationship as much as i do. What can i say? I cant be here without her. (yes i say that right) ((and that too))

Its amazing how God works through people. Seeing as though my two best friends are completely opposite of me, its humorous actually. Asta and Lauren, man its so nice to know i will live with them forever! i just have to think of this and my whole day gets better. i dont have the feeling of school ending when i know im not going to see my new friends for awhile, or ever again. but then i think of my other good friends: adi, anele, chloe, shelly, becky, katy, brooke, brandi, Catie… all yes. But what about Jocelyn, no. Courtney? no. Kenni? no! Im not going to live with them forever. I think this is my main focus for outreach, it really gets me going. Courtney is one of my best friends. Knowing she is not a christian, i die everytime i think about it. It just ruins my whole day. I would love for people to pray for her if they read this. She is realizing that living for soccer and school is pointless so i hope to talk to her on that issue. God, i love her so much and i just wish i could make her a christian sometimes, but that is ridiculous. I want to see er happy like we are. So i hope she comes to homechurch!

please Lord i pray that she does!



you want the real shit, well i got ya


SCARED? No. Shy? No. Excited? A little? Then what? I’m not sure. But something is making me shake. A mixture of excitement, stress, nerves and probably the lack of sleep. The car could be a factor as well. It could be that i didn’t know what i was going to do. I tried to imagine. My mind was blank. I knew the center, the leaders, Jim, Melanie, where we were going to meet, ages of kids but not what we were going to do. I prayed in my head for God to help because i didnt know what else i coud do.
I guess i was nervous. Yeah, thats what its called; troubled, worried, anxious… everything I am in my normal life. Maybe i thought about it too much. Thinking about it now, maybe i went crazy for a couple of minutes. Maybe I am crazy now thinking about how i dont know what i was feeling, what i am feeling, what i do feel everyday. Maybe Susanna Kaysen made me think crazy and reading her book just made me feel… crazy.
Back to Buffalo.
“Why is it called Buffalo?” It was a pretty stupid name, i agreed with what Asta had said.
But before i knew it, we were there. Stepping through the side door just made me more excited. but why? I really dont like kids too much. Not that i dont like them, i just loose patience with them quite frequently.
I walked down the stairs, through the cafeteria, down the hall letting my hand feel all the yellow hooks next to the locker room. Up a little set of stairs, passed another. Big stairs. Where were we going again? I realized we stopped. Melanie was talking? Doors opened, we were in the theatre. And there were kids.

This is Michael

This is Michael

The first kids i met were Michael, Sam and Elizabeth. Sam had glasses and his voice was quiet but he wasn’t. Michael’s voice was loud and he was too. Elizabeth was exactly like Katie, my little sister. I didnt say anything for a little bit. Well, i said hi and grabbed a coloring book and sat down, watching the three argue.
“Remember in the car when we were laughing so hard…”
“I dont like that car…”
“Do you ever stop talking…”
“He always talks.” i realized Sam said this to me. I smiled and said “Oh, really.” ????
Michael refuted with, “Sam always talks so i cant fall asleep.” “Why do you want to sleep now?”
“Not now, at night!” “i dont talk to you at night.” “Yeah you do.” Elizabeth said. And i asked her her name and she told me and showed me her picture. It was nice. They made me feel much more comfortable.
So that was the start of the first day.

Then there was a kid that had the most energy and sweetness i have ever seen in a boy in first grade. Jay See–i dont know if that is how you spell it–was jordan and joe’s subject. It was pretty cool cause J and J had him focus his energy. And oh it did take both of them, he had such energy that it seemed he lost control. He was so cute.

Jay See

A little girl named Rhema was my favorite kid of them all. She was super friendly and i was her favorite, so of course i loved her. :] She would get mad if i left her but forgive me and we would start talking about high school musical. She had feed back on Jordan’s teaching (her favorite) and told me about her brother, who was also there. She was So adorable and a perfect little girl.


Donnell was a ball of hate. I tried to talk to him but it always ended with an ‘i hate you’ or ‘i’ll sue.’ i think he just wanted to be B.A.


other highlights of the trip were:
-Tuesday. the swimming day. i didnt swim but i hung out with two kids, one of which was Nasseem. He was in the 3rd and 4th grade group and seemed to be friends with everyone. the ANCHOR BAR! i dont like wings too much but i had some french fries and they were goood. everyone had a great time. then joe left. then neil came.


-Wednesday. niagra falls! that was crazy hilarious. getting into canada was terrifying. The guy came to look at who was in the car. he tried to open 2 of the morschmellows side doors and i told him “That one gets stuck.” he tried again. “it gets stuck?” again. “it wont open.” he gave up. We squished four people in the back bench seat and he didnt seem to notice at all. The falls were amazing! i couldnt believe suck an awesome creation. I wonder why God made such things. It really was awesome.
-Thursday, last day with kids. the kids play at the end of the day was so cute. it may have lasted only 5 minutes but the end was the best. We attached a sheet with ‘bricks’ drawn on it to the overhead screen and realed it up. Eric, a really tall guy my age, read off a piece of paper then the sheet wall came down and there were these adorable 1st graders waving flags.
i couldnt stop laughing they were awesome!

Me and Michael

One person i had a blast with was Becky Allen. It was cool to see her deal with the kids even though she was overwhelmed. Becky is a realllyyyy funny person.

“Why do gay people get the whole freaking rainbow?!” Becky Allen


Going home was the worst.
This really makes me want to move to Buffalo, New York

We stayed in the attic(k?). It was really cool until half the room flooded and it got moldy…. this is the half that was dry and we crammed 5 girls over there.


I cant stress how much i appreciate the Wordies.

Saturday night at the party we had an encouragement circle and i cant remember what i said to most of them. I know i vomited out Mike, Jeff and B but i felt like i didnt say enough. especially to mike. I mean mike is mike. he is such a strong person to be here and act the way he does. he could have left with steve and sam b/c they were his friends too but he stayed. he is such a spiritual guy and is one of the best guys ever.

and Jeffis! he surprises me everyday–litterally. I see him a lot with my dad and he is always so friendly. From surprising us with pizza one day to a surprise talk, he seems-is-like a strong soldier of God.

it was a great bonfire. the best there has ever been.


Then today.

B opened up to me. i asked him some questions because he said i was ‘aloud to’.

then i asked him what was on my mind and he told me something very awesome.

then i thought what was on my mind… the future? kind of. more like a lack of future. what can i do, i’ve been thinking lately. A dream is to lead south street but i guess Adi is training for that. and i am not a leader. i cant do anything because i cant lead people. i would totally want to but i just cant, i guess. Interpreter one (me) would say i am a leader but interpreter two (me) would also totally slam it down and would justify it somehow. Maybe i could move to Buffalo where i dont know many people and become a leader. Like try to lead Buffalo because i love it and i want to save it.

So in my mind of what i can do (my mind not God’s plan for me) it is either die by the high sschool or move to Buffalo…. ūüôā or just stay here and go to Kent and adapt a block baby

Wedding, SS, basic, Missions Trip, dance!

**this blog was written over the time of 2 weeks

Today is gunna be the day that theyre gunna throw it back to you. by now you shoulda somehow figured out what your gunna do. i dont believe that any body feels the way i do about you now…

Mrs. Andie Schoofs (descipler, leader, hero and great friend.)

I saw Andie McFEEEEEE (as i like to call her) on saturday as her last days of mcphizzle. All i can say about saturday was: STRESS. i am NOT getting married if i have to go through THAT. it wasnt even much, it was just going everywhere at once! IT WAS CRAZY. but it was GREAT! You see, i called Andie Thursday (i think) leaving her a message about what she was doing and if she had time to hang out. So i get this call saturday from a VERY tired andrea asking if i wanted to run some errands. and well duhh, i said YES. So i got to see Mcfizzle before she turned to SCHOOFY. she told me a lot about her wedding and what she had to do and about the rehearsal brunch and chill fear factor and blahblahblah!

probably the best wedding i have ever been to.
you should be depressed if you missed it.
And i made her a card. Chloe came over before the wedding to go get ads for the school paper. schlo got her a gift and wanted to make a card.. so i did too… really fast, and it sucked. i feel bad i didnt spend more time on it. whatever, i love her and it was an awesome day for eric and andie. It was pretty sad for me though. I kind of saw it as the day she leaves me. Since she broke out the news of no more discipleship, i have been sad. She even said we would still get together and i am still sad. We have just been through a lot. From mean elli to okay elli, she was the one to help me with my spiritual walk. She helped me rely on God more and read my bible and pray for people and to be grateful. and to serve, thats a big one. I just wish i appreciated her more when she was discipling me… and she wants to come to my dance recital… so that makes me feel special.

So jk, that last blog was wrong. the last day of south street was tuesday and it was cute. We walked up the stairs soaking in the smell of fresh rainfall. I wondered if many kids would come because of the weather. hmm… the door said ‘After school program tuesday and wednesday only.’ You see, xenos runs the tues. and wed., and their last day of school was Thursday. only like 5 kids were there but JVeon was there a lil and he is just so cute! We colored these super heros. Mine was “Money Man” (the original name) then Sara titled him “Mr. G” because he was a G. Then he got the name “A Millie.” You can see this drawing on my refrigerator. You want to because it is freakin sweeet. I tried to say bye to tone on the way out but he was bitter. I said “can you give me a hug?” and he just shook his head. I asked why and gary right up and said “Cause hes a SSOOOOOORRRREEE LOOOOSSAAAAA.” that was funny. i love those kids and i didnt even go for the whole time… or even half the time xenos was there.

Well basic is tonight and Jeff told me the paper was due today so i just kind of worked on that the whole time instead of memorizing verses. but it is not due today so i think i am kind of screwed. Well i already know i am taking this class again. I either failed or got a C on every quiz and i know the final is going to be harder. :((( im pretty depressed about it…

The M.T. is going to be sweeeet. Last missions trip was awesome so this oe is going to be awesome and yeah. Jenny Botti said Jill is going to Buffalo I have got to find out which trip she is going on though! I pray it is the same one as ours!!!! Jill Deken was one of my best friends on the Michigan MT. Her and Jenny are the only ones i remain close to, i guess. Me and Jenny frequently write eachother. I am not sure why we dont just call though. I know I dont like talking on the phone. i never find something interesting to say. Plus it is just so awkward not seeing their face. i would rather talk in person… so thats why i am so excited for the Summer Institute! well not just seeing jenny… Adi listened to this teaching and i listened too and i really liked the guy who did it… i forget his name. he was pretty clear and kept me interested, which can be pretty hard.. something i need to work on. So a lot of good teachers will be there, jenny will be there and we will be there :D.

my cat is licking me… he is sooo cute.

dance! next three days, i will be dancing. THursday is my last hip hop class, friday is regearsal and saturday i have two recitals. wee hoooooooo thats gunna be interesting. and i happen to be like the last dance. the theme is around the world. Since our dance is Latin (South America) they go all around the world then down to south america then back to the US. ugg and i have to shovel little kids around too… i hope katie comes to help me with make up, she did mine last year, i was absolutely clueless as to what stage make-up was.
So if you want to go. dont.
i am bound to screw up my dance because i am in th middle most of the time. even practicing, if i am not completely focused, i ruin it.

“hasta lavista mother fu-”
“STOP with the rhyming”
-from my new favorite movie: John Tucker Must Die!!

A short story (based on OTHER peoples experiences, some of my own and some i just made up)

Awkward silence. You know what they say, every awkward silence a gay baby is born. I thought i’d fill the space.
“So i’ll be seeing you?”
“Uh yeah. You’re not mad, are you?” he said to the ground. For a big boy he looked kind of helpless.
“Oh no, i understand… Bye,” I turned to walk away swearing at everything i saw.
Walking home is always the worst part. Every break-up I have ever gone through, i have to walk home, but its the worst part. Walking through the woods and on the dark streets seeing your destination but the strain in your throat and the tears choking you stops you from going in. It may be horrible for me but its better than the awkward silence during the car ride home. Sitting next to the bitch that just tore your heart out isn’t very awesome at all.
Sucking it up as i saw headlights coming from around the corner, a speeding car screeched to a hault in front of me. Lil Wayne blaring as the window rolled down, two big brown eyes stared up at me. With a smile on his face and a swift flick of his hand, the door was open for me to take my place next to D.
Silence except for D singing, i was able to calm down. He always knew when i was angry and let me have my space, for his own good of course. If he didn’t, i would probably rip his head off.
Sensing my stability he said in a loud sanguine voice, “What’s up with you Blonde Booty?”
Heehee, he’s so cute of course he knew how to make me smile. And how was that even funny? It was just him, his whole personality was just a ball of sunshine.
“Not much D baby.”
“Thats a lie.”
“I know.”
“Mitch ended it.”
“Another one bites the dust.”
“Well, are you okay?”
“Yeah…” lie, “his loss.” Lie again.
Mitch was the love of my life, the fifth one anyway. We were the best of friends, for abot a wee, then we started going out to the clubs togther and stay out late down town. One thing led to another and then he broke up with me. My whole life died before my eyes like a salt covered slug shrinking in the sun-light, that slug being what i relied on, my heart beat, just my life. You see, he was the only friend i had for awhile. gave up everyone else-everything else- for him. I look back on myself and realize how stupid i was. I dunno but after all that, D was here for me now, and i dont know how i cant screw this one up.

Dropping me off, i waved and waited for him to leave before i went in. Sitting alone in the dark spring can gt pretty lonely but its better than facing the family. D knew this. He knew all about me not being able to talk to my family. He tried to confront me on this once, i slapped him and ran away. And ruthfully, m not sure why i hate thm so much. All they do is… well i dont know. I havent seen them in a week or two.

Seeing as though he wasnt leaving, i rolled my eyes and walked to he door. With a flicker of headlights for encouragment, i turned the door knob. I didnt have to finish te job as a little mexican women opened the door yelling things in he language with a big smile on her face.

“Hi mama,” i said with a smile.

“Oh muchacha, who are you, and what have you done with my rubia?” means blonde, rubia means blonde. Thats one word i know and growing up blonde wasnt only a hair color, it was my whole personality. MY personality. How i was blonde and spoiled, thats what it meant.

It smelled like cat and a faint wiff of bird poop at the opening of the small hallway. I followed Gloria through the house as she called out recent family news to me.

“Senor!” after a pause, stepmama tuned to me with a smile, “Mira la television.” I nodded.

“Well, go se him!”

“Oh, los ciento.”

Walking up the stairs, the memories made me all warm inside. Seeing Gloria, Paul, Stevie and me all happy again made me ust remember our good times.

Paying no attention, anyone can just walk into Paul’s room and find themselves cryiing twenty minutes later.

“Hi Papa.”

The gray head stood up and hugged me. “Juana,” using my baby name just stabbed me through the heart.


Took me twenty seconds.

After settling down for the second time tonight, he asked me about how ive been doing, of course. oasdfhasbduiaduahduiasdgsksdhaiusdaiuhauishdiuhsiudhisugdcbhxzui8zyd

to be continued, most likely not. though i am liking the D character but i have to work on the girl’s personality before i go on. i was just going off of whatever came to my mind. more solid plot. okay bye.

take a deep breath and pray

so im calm now and i was so stressed when i wrote those two blogs i dont even remember feeling that way but i feel very foolish. and trina helped a lot with her comment.

soo i prayed and am trying to be grateful about all this. so lets do it the old fashion way and make a grattude list (my mom used to make me do this when i was negative.):

  1. i get a Delonte West jersey (which i will probably cherish forever, eek)
  2. i get to go see my grandma where we get spoiled of course
  3. asta i guess is probably a good leader and is recognized and i am happy for her
  4. i get more time to memorize verses for basic
  5. get more time to work on my ppage for J2
  6. the Lord has shown me that my plans do not work… which i always knew i guess i just never experienced it
  7. i went to dance and am getting to know a girl named taylor who is pretty cool and i need ta get her numba!
  8. i am thankful for my bro jeff there too
  9. and ms. andie mcphee who is sticking with me throughout my times
  10. and i havebeen praying and praying for a long time to get out of where i am which is not going anywhere and i think the Lord is ‘testing’ me if thats the right word and putting me through something and i think trusting and faith will just bring me closer, which is exactly what i want more than any delonte west ersey or cavs tickets.


POEM from spring break prayer meeting

since everyone told me to put the queen of cheesey poems up on my blog, here it is:


Greatly anticipated with expectations oh so high,

spring break ’08 has been mighty fly

the first day was pink with a little shade of blue

relaxing and fun… without asta too!

forgetting those at home was an honest mistake

and to face the path of doom is a risk i have yet to take

hear, stress, laughter, and joy may sum up these days.

theres been luxury every sunrise, sunset, sunshit; every fase

because one thing i have learned so far

is to never let jordan drive a car                         JK

but so far, the best thing may be

i am truly learning about the B.O.C.

how thankful i am for them

and how God is currently watching over me

my relationships are strengthening

yet tribalism is still lengthening

to watch everyone grow up without me,

may be one of the hardest things to see.

 left to think surrounded by nature

i realize how i neglect my future

and if i want to grow

i must get off my ass and seek to know

the end.

there were a lot of ‘inside jokes’ in there so if you didnt like it, im on your side.

anyways. the cavs game yesturday (friday) was completely embarrassing. though i have go to give it to their second team comming in, the were down soo much! it was like 12 or more points difference and they brought it up to 5. so 95 to 100 and hughes wins again. thats what we get for trading him!! hahahaaaaa

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