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Last month James turned 2! Having a little angel baby that is now 2 years old is so wild. I can’t explain it at all. Lately I’ve had so many people ask me what it’s like to be a mom & I just can’t put it into words. It’s a privilege & an uncertainty. I’ve never been more in love & more tired. I didn’t know I could push my body so hard & yet want to suffer so much (lol). I guess motherhood is full of contradictions, which makes a lot of sense once you’re in it. 

Some things I’ve learned these past 2 years are: 

• This too shall pass / the Long view: I guess I mean that I used to live so momentary & so present. If I felt bad my day was ruined. If I was tired, I’d cancel… But now I realize how much I can do/get through while all these other factors are pressing on me. I know that today is just a day. If it is bad, we have tomorrow. I know that if Jay has been cranky or not sleeping that there will be sometime soon in the future when this problem will no longer be. And more positively, I’m planning for life ahead. I can see that my life is constantly changing. The older Jay gets, the more I’m able to do some things, and not do others. That’s OK. I can look ahead with hope at my life, at my marriage & look forward to each stage Jay is going to enter. This sounds so… basic… But like, wow, is it life changing to have this perspective. It’s freedom. It’s hope. I helps you understand & look forward to heaven! This life, too, will pass & I’ll soon be in heaven forever. It’s not all about now, even though the now is really precious & important & does effect my mood… it’s just not the big, long view. 
• Being a mom can be really fun if you put your agenda aside (the hard part is that you do still have shit to do.) Somedays I really just want to get shit done. But Jay has other plans. He wants to stack blocks according to their shape or watch cars go fast (or slow) or use my legs as a ramp for his monster trucks to crash off of. While my agenda presses on the back of my mind at all hours, here’s a little precious boy in front of me who just wants to relate. The times I can & do set aside everything & just be with him are by far the best. I think I’m learning to not only have fun, but to loosen up. I have been praying that I can loosen up a lot more so I can enjoy him (& his brother to come.) 
• I thrive on a schedule. That’s the tension, I guess, with the above point. I’ve learned that my anxiety/depression/laziness is helped so much by having a schedule for each day. It’s simple because Jay also thrives on a schedule so I use his, mostly. But then, I also realized pre-planning things like what to eat everyday & what to clean everyday really decrease my overall stress levels. Even though I’m a fairly organized person I am still by no means a practical person. It’s always the little practical things that set me off. So, having planned 5 dinners to rotate through each month & daily cleaning goals really eliminate the “what do I do now” & give me something to do when I’m lethargic without needing to think practically. It’s been really cool, actually. Apart from cleaning & cooking, I also plan workouts, something fun to do with Jay daily (nothing too big, usually just getting out of the house in some way everyday) & what I’m going to read when. This is such a dull/adult/you’re-definitely-turning-30-this-year thing to be excited about, but I find myself thanking God often for these schedules & provisions they allow me. 
• Truly, my son makes me so happy. I guess I already said this, but it’s what I want to say. He’s beautiful, hilarious, precious & smart. He laughs like a maniac & constantly wants to joke with you. His expressions make me spit laughing. And the questions he asks catch my off guard. He is focused, determines & observant. He already knows the alphabet & can count to 20. He knows all the colors & loves sorting shapes, colors, sizes. I think he’s a genius. I look forward to seeing him every morning even if he wakes me up early after a very insomnia filled night. I know I don’t deserve him. My prayer & wish is that I’m deserving of him. I know I won’t ever be, so my real prayer is that he can give me grace someday. There’s so much more I wish I was for him. I lose my temper very easily, I am not super touch/feel person, I don’t smile at him enough, I don’t encourage him enough, I get distracted by my phone so easily, I’m impatient & not so understanding… I can go on. I wish I could be better for him & his brother, but this want has increased my appreciation & need for grace. Grace upon grace. 
• How wonderful it is to have a teammate who is so helpful & whose goal is to be a great father & husband. I must brag. I truly have the most wonderful teammate in Zak. He loves Jay better than I could. He wants to be with him all of the time. He helps me so much by spending one on one time with him daily. They have tons of inside jokes & things they do together. Jay asks Zak to do something or go somewhere & Zak immediately is on board. They communicate so well & have such a special relationship I just don’t have with him. It’s so precious, special, wonderful to see. I couldn’t be more proud of his commitment to be a loving father. I know it’ll change when we have a second for both of us, but Zak has build such a foundation with Jay that I’m really not too worries. Even when he’s so busy & exhausted, he makes time for Jay in the most creative ways sometimes, as only dads can do. I just hope someday Jay can appreciate Zak for all that he is. And I can, too. He’s completely committed to me when I’m so unworthy. He takes my burdens even when he has his own that are almost always more important. He always expresses gratitude to me even when I did the bare minimum or gave up for the day. I’m so thankful & wouldn’t know how to do any of this without Zak. I still can’t believe our young romance turned out to be such a real, raw, authentic bond that has gotten me through so much in life – sickness, depression, anxiety, motherhood, change, uncertainty. Zak’s foundation in Jesus made this possible. I praise God for what he’s given me in marriage as I am the least likely to ever have a successful one. 

So yeah, we’re having another boy! He’s due to come in December. I can’t tell you how afraid I am to have two kids. A lot of my scheduling & standards are going to be out the door, I know it. It’s not like people have told me how hard it’ll be or anything negative like that. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, lol. My two best friends are new moms of 2, but have handled it so gracefully. And if anything, God has used this change in their lives to become meeker, stronger women more able to handle harder circumstances, yet humbled along the way. I really want to be like them & am so glad I have them as examples. Even as they’ve had so much going on, they’ve been so quick to serve me in my pregnancy/insomnia days. Sometimes, when we hang out, I just sit there & hardly say anything because I’m so tired or out of it. Yet they still love me & want to be my friend. It’s so cool. 

I can’t think of a name for our baby boy, but I can’t wait to meet him (and see what we end up naming him, lol). He’s going to be so blessed with his family, extended family, friends & body of Christ surrounding him. We are so blessed. 

Lastly, this is so stupid, but it’s a bigger part of my life than I like to admit: I have to comment on the Rings of Power show. If you know me, you know how much time & emotion the world of Tolkien takes up in my life. It has always been around, but especially in motherhood has been a background that helped me through sleepless nights & even process change/circumstances/fill my head when anxiety wanted to take over. It’s been so fun to read, research, listen, learn all about LOTR +. But this show, man – maybe it’s because it’s too close to home, but just hasn’t captured the beauty of the world at all. I’m sad about it. It’s mostly the cheesiness/terrible writing that does it for me. The really intense/cringey scenes that just don’t happen in LOTR are ridiculous. I know a lot of people enjoy it, which is great. But, it’s felt like something so personal has been really messed with,  I guess. I think a lot of people who like it this deeply are having that emotional reaction. Anyway, so silly, but that’s been on my mind. If anything, it’s made me turn more to the text to defend Tolkien’s legacy than every before. Someday, I’ll get to talk to him about LOTR in heaven, which is gonna be really fun. I wish I could be as creative & thorough & committed as he was. (What HAS been an amazing show is House of the Dragon. Wowee, it’s so unfortunate that ROP has to compare to that!)

But hey, I got a whole lifetime ahead of me. I’m only 30 (in a week) & feeling more myself than I’ve ever felt in my life. Which is pretty hopeful if you ask me. 

And no, I’m not going to name baby #2 something from LOTR. I wish, but that would just be a little too weird.

This week has been another week of sickness for us. Well, Jay & I. Somehow Zak has the immune system of steel. It’s been a lot of sickness this year. I have my own unfounded theories as to why we’ve been so sick so much this year, but ultimately I do not know why & it’s lead to many “WHY GOD? WHY AGAIN?!”moments. Not my finest. We’ve been lucky to still somehow avoid Covid & not have anything too bad. Just long & annoying. I hate being stuck inside with no energy for my snotty, cranky toddler who just wants to escape his sickness with lots of attention & fun. And I’m over here running on empty. 

How I’ve handled it has been pretty OK – until the last bout. I’ve felt I’ve been able to function through each month’s sickness (yes, we’ve been sick at least a week every month of 2022) with the mindset: this will pass. But this last one coming just a week or so after the last cold – at my wit’s end. I coped by binging a TV show. 

That show was “Selling Sunset” on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, I’d HIGHLY NOT recommend it. There are plenty of other good TV shows, such as “The Last Kingdom.” (Side note: this one is SO GOOD that it lead me to start the TWELVE book series & I am completely fascinated & immersed. I love the obvious & underlying themes of religion & hypocrisy & faith & love all in the context of history & battle scenes.) 

Anyway, back to Selling Selfish – I mean, Sunset. The setting is Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. It’s a reality TV show that follows a group of realtors working for the same group. They sell very high end homes & also have a staff that looks like they walked out of the Playboy mansion (which, one or two of them did to work there…) 

The show really isn’t about real estate. I mean, it is, but what propels it is the drama of the relationships between the women realtors. You can totally tell these ladies were hired for the show to start drama & they MUST be directed to start drama whenever possible because the amount of stupid, mundane conflict that happens is so utterly brainless… it’s hard to believe. 

What really had me hooked was watching how these women tried to justify themselves. They’d talk about someone behind their back & then when the other person found out, they have to make up a false reason they said it or spin it or put the other person in a bad light to make themselves look better. All they say to each other is, “if you could just own what you said & apologize, we’d be fine!” But NOBODY CAN EVER DO THAT! Literally! And when they do “apologize” it’s so fake & “I’m sorry you feel that way” (which isn’t a real apology.) 

It made me think, not deeply, because that’s impossible with this show, but about how that can be me… That is how I function when I’m not under grace. I have the inability to admit that I’m wrong, I have to continually justify myself & make enemies with anyone who took any issue with me. That is exactly a good picture of what it looks like not living under grace. Which does suck. It leads to alienation, pride, insanity & fear. So, as much as I judge the ladies of Selling Sunset, I judge myself. I am like that, but a lot less cosmetic. 

Grace isn’t like that. Grace allows you to admit freely that I messed up, I’m sorry. And it allows you to forgive without grudging or dominating. I forgive you, I won’t hold this against you, let’s be friends. Even if you did really do something messed up, I’ve been forgiven of so much, of course we can work through this. 

But that’s just it: I’m not great at living in grace. My pride is too strong. I love being right. I hate being wronged. I think I deserve everything I want & more, to be treated exactly how I want. It takes every effort of mine to release control & to trust God. 

One of my greatest hopes is that the older I get the quicker I am to apologize. I don’t think that’s happening, but I pray for it all of the time. I don’t want to live under my laws or my standards nor do I want to hold my friends to that height, either. It’s impossible, destructive & DRAMA. Which reminds me of what Jesus said: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Peace is the opposite of drama, ain’t it? How wonderful grace leads to peace – internally & with my relationships. 

3.9.22

My life would look so extremely under ordinary on paper to anyone. Yet, there’s so much I get to experience that is miraculous, profound, blessed, & unbelievable on the daily. 

It’s the hilarious paradox that is humanity: I am so small, yet I matter so much. I believe this is because there is a creator who made us to be significant. Since he is eternal & omnipresent he is able to love each one of his creations uniquely. I have experienced his presence, love & grace more than ever lately. Although the mundane is trying & humorless if I take a step back I can clearly see his hand at work in my life & my friends’ lives. The harder & more trying life is the easier it is to doubt God’s work & presence. Sometimes I think he is not there at all. But those times are turned around quickly when I ask him for help. My faith is not perfect, not even close. At times I feel more faithless than ever. Yet, God continually restores me no matter what I do, think or say, he still loves me. 

I thought I’d just write down some things & thoughts that have been happening for future me. And it helps me to process when I write. I always, always feel uplifted & grateful after writing. Sometimes I think God has granted me this special relating time with him that is writing. I don’t know if that’s true or how that would work I just know that it is a truly special way I get to process & when he is involved, he helps me experience gratitude. I think it has something to do with sitting down & thinking – big picture, small details – allowing him to reveal what I miss. Quiet thought is extraordinary, especially when He is involved. 

Some thoughts: 

• I am so in love with being a stay at home mom. I never thought I’d love it as much as I do. I get to be home (yay) quite frequently with my son who I get to play with, relate with & watch grow. I know not everyone has the means to do this so I know I am blessed. Some hard parts are when I am at home for long stretches it becomes easy to be isolated from other adults/peers. Your mind starts going crazy & your feelings follow. I am grateful for people in my life early on who taught me to get out of the house even though it is really hard. (Adi & my mom. They continue to help me do that. It’s so great to plan a busy week. Even if I show up somewhere flustered, it’s better than being home! I’m so thankful for friends who still want to hang out with me even though it’ll mean hanging out with a one year old. And SO many of them come to me!!) Also, I couldn’t do this without our fellowship. We have Mom’s Groups, chats, childcare, babysitting for time in the word… so many provisions as a result of moms looking out for each other & serving out of already drained lives. Extraordinary to have these women to look up to & rely on.
• Although there is so much going on in our ministry it is easy to be at peace. God has been providing so much that it is hard to get anxious or worried about this or that since he seems to take care of it before I can understand what the issue was. This is comforting in a very freeing sort of way. And has allowed me to enjoy ministry in a much different way. He continues to provide for me & that continues to amaze me. 

Some things: 

• Schedules rock. I started using schedules with Jay when he was a newborn & realized how much I am like a newborn. In many ways, but in this way: schedules make me happier. I have found I am less worried, more productive & relaxed because I know my schedule allows for the things I need to get done, worry about & allows time to do things that will fill me with the Spirit. Of course, we’re fluid. We’re really only home 2-3 days a week. But that’s part of the schedule: to get outside of our tribal hole or invite outsiders in. It’s refreshing to feel this freedom. 
• I have another random hobby that started with reading my Bible. I’d read my passage & then doodle a verse I wanted to meditate on for awhile. When I was done doodling, I realized how much fun I had doing it. I started doing it during teachings, too, and it helps me slow down, think through the word, but also helps me be creative & colorful. (I know, I’m not that colorful, but it’s fun to pretend.) 
• Reading is still really cool. Sorry, I’m not trying to sound repetitive. I just love it. I’ve read a good many good books this year. I’m currently in between books trying to focus on a Bible teaching I have coming up, but I cannot wait to get into the next one. God sure did bless us with books.
• Jay is talking more than ever. Not real words, but cadences & inflections that sure sound like he’s making some really valid points. It’s hilarious & fun. I can’t wait to hear about what’s on his mind! I also love listening to him & staring at him all day long. Somehow, he’s cuter than ever. I am really thankful I enjoy him since I was so afraid I would really hate him. I do, of course, get frustrated & mad at him a lot. I see my sin so horribly being a mom & being a tired wife. It sucks a lot that my family & friends have to experience the consequences of my sin. Yet, grace abounds! And I get to remain with them & learn repentance & grace over & over again. 
• Zak & I will be celebrating our sixth year of marriage. It’s wonderful to think about how far we have come together. He’s definitely my person. I laugh thinking about how the Lord truly did grant me my hearts wishes by allowing me to marry Zak. He’s way out of my league in so many ways. I am so grateful. This year I have watched him overcome, sacrifice, persevere, serve, laugh & be victorious. He’s really carried me & Jay so many times its unbelievable. (I am comforted thinking how much God has used me in his sanctification lol.) I can’t wait to see what the Lord does through this amazing, godly man. It is such a privilege to participate in his life. He continues to amaze me! 

So, that’s that! Gratitude is having its effect. Praise God for the time to sit, reflect, praise, pray & all while eating a danish. What joy.

Jay has been in the basement pretty quiet for some time now so I should go see what that’s about… 

A thought that keeps occurring to me, though thoroughly silly, is that I am more excited for the cast reunion special of Harry Potter than I am for Christmas right now.  What an absurd thought. But, with so much in the unknown right now, I DO know I will be able to watch Harry Potter reunion. It will be on HBO Max & there aren’t a lot of things that can keep me from it (just death, I guess.) 

I’m waiting to see if Covid cancels another Christmas. And that makes me sad – like so many others. What a beautiful antithesis that runs opposite of that thought, though… what we all wish for is to be with the people we love. That is what matters most. 

It’s easy to get stuck in my feelings with so much bad news. People I dearly love are really sick. I’m very worried. Others are hurting in their relationships. I haven’t been able to see my friends recently. My health is frustrating and keeping me from doing things I like even at home. 

Yet, to dwell in the bad just makes things worse. As I was getting ready to be disappointed for Christmas, and getting excited for Harry Potter, I realized something devastating about myself. That out of all of the characters in Harry Potter that I’d like to be like, the one I truly am is Dudley. Literally the worst. 

Dudley is Harry’s cousin, for those that don’t know. (If you don’t; what are you doing with your life? Pick up HP 1, or text me & I will drop off a copy for you!!) What makes him so dislike-able is his ungrateful, royal pain in the ass attitude. He’s above everyone, expects people to treat him like a king, and so mean! Probably the most infamous Dudley scene is when he’s counting his presents for his birthday and realizes that he didn’t get as many gifts as he did last year… and there’s like 20-some gifts AND he’s going to the zoo for his birthday… It’s SO annoying & funny. & me. 

When I’m in pain, & Covid is swirling, & I’m sad , & my plans get ruined – it’s like I am looking at the Lord saying “this isn’t fair” when I have a pile of 20 presents behind me, but I’m missing MORE. MORE, MORE, MORE! That’s what I want! OK God, you gave me so many things, but the fact that you haven’t met these expectations is so stupid. You’ve answered everyone of my prayers. You’ve protected me & my family against covid so far. You’ve done so much, but I deserve everything I want all of the time & never to suffer! Signed, Dudley. 

That’s just it: I’m so overwhelmed with blessings that I’ve been spoiled. Yeah, suffering sucks & it’s real. But to act like life isn’t worth living anymore or that I have nothing to be thankful for is bullshit. It makes me think of the obvious fact we Americans forget: the poorest people in the hardest countries are always the happiest. Because they know what really matters in life & it isn’t getting everything you want… 

One way or another, we’ll get through this. Life will go on. (Even if it doesn’t, to die is gain.) God has not abandoned me even though plans are cancelled or my fears consume me. I have to realize that I don’t deserve anything I have. And that he’s given me the very best thing that exists in the universe already; his son. 

I also just read in Luke 18 about the Pharisee vs. the tax collector’s way of worshipping God. And I realized that I’m like the Pharisee, “Thank God I am not like that tax collector.” When I really need to realize, “Be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.” 

God’s given us so much. This material world convinces us that life sucks when it really, truly doesn’t (with Jesus.) We’ve been given all we need and more. 

Anyway, these are just some thoughts I’ve had as I’ve been throwing a fit as another wave of Covid comes & another round of pain with my other illnesses. There’s so much to be grateful for. Every day is a gift. Even sick or in pain. Look to the Lord. Look to Jesus. He feels it. He knows it. He weeps with you. But he also rejoices with you despite the pain, exhaustion, frustrations. Love is what matters this Christmas and nothing can kill God’s love for you. 

Checking in here to talk about my favorite reads of the year! I met my goal in books, thanks to hoopla & being a SAHM (also 2 months of insomnia where I literally read all night long.)

Here are my top picks out of what I read: 

Top Christian Books: 

1. The End of Anxiety – Truly the best book on anxiety I have read. The title is ironic, because he talks about in the first chapter how you can’t end anxiety. You just learn to work through it with the Lord. He’s honest & relatable. And points to the ultimate prescription for anxiety is getting to know the Lord & loving other people.
2. Abide in Me by Andrew Murray – This is a 30 day devotional that is really deep. He breaks down John 15 so thoroughly. It took me a long time to get through it because it’s so packed & challenging. I really recommend it for anxious hearts or depressed persons. Or anyone who wants to learn what it means to abide in Christ. 
3. Emotionally Healthy Discipleship (halfway through, really like it) – I’m not finished with this yet! But, so far – REALLY good. Jeri told me about it and I’m so thankful. The need to be emotionally healthy in discipleship, as we are Christ’s ambassadors, is definitely something I’d like to focus on next year with my friends.
4. Imagine Heaven – This was a great one to read specifically during the worst months this year. I always had a hard time being comforted by the thought that if I were to die I’d be in heaven. After reading this book, my confidence that heaven exists increased so greatly, and it’s starting to be a comfort to me. I really like the reporting style of this book. Lots of stories that happened to real people that are just true. I’d recommend it for Christians and non. 

Top Fun Books: 

1. Anna Karenina – Y’all this should count as 3 books. I think it took my 3 months. I like depressing romances, but a goal of mine is to be as deep as Ian (whose preferred reading is Russian authors.) But man, this was so good, so tragic. I love the themes and the philosophy each characters struggled through. It’s not a very happy ending, but a real one. Lots of thoughts about God and meaning, too, that I wish people wrote more about in today’s books. 
2. The Princess and the Goblin – Probably a new favorite. Macdonald inspired CS Lewis & Tolkien. This is one of this kids books (I also read Phantasties and liked it, but I like this one better.) It’s truly scary, funny, easy to read & a touching picture of love & faith & youth. 
3. A Man Called Ove – My friend Anne & Alexis both recommended this. It’s so heartwarming & heartbreaking. I love the idea of not judging someone until you know their story. And what kindness & initiation can do to change someone’s life. 
4. Harry Potter (lol) – yes I effing read it again this year OK SHOOT ME.
5. 1984 – I can’t believe I’ve never read it! Obviously it’s a classic with a thought provoking plot! Yes, everyone should read it. 

Books I read that were OK & wouldn’t recommend: 

1. Where the Crawdads Sing
2. A Song of Achilles
3. Fantastic Beasts & Where to find them

The irony is that the result of my reading has lead me to a different goal next year: instead of reading so much, I want to make a point to spend time in silence. A few of the books I read made great points about our need for silence before the Lord, and how little of that we truly get. It’s true. I am constantly consuming – podcasts, books, audio books, TV, news… I think this year I still want to read. But I also want to reflect & listen to the lord. Learn to sort out my feelings before him. Learn to hear his voice for my life and my friends. Let myself have peace, because I always like to go. 

Anyway, I’m thankful for books. Books full of wisdom about god. Or relating to pain in a way that makes you feel seen. Books that take you into another world for a minute to get some relief, or to open your eyes to how little your perspectives really are. Books that help you understand someone else or think about them in a way you never did before. I love books. And I’ve loved reading them this year. 

Jay turned 11 months old yesterday! His way of celebrating seems to be saying “uh oh” every 5 minutes. Which makes sense considering he does something that warrants an “uh oh” consistently at the aforementioned interval. Although I am shocked I have an almost one year old, and that he’s gotten so big and has changed in so many ways, I am more shocked at how happy I am.

I want to talk about Jay, and I can, all day. But, he’s really just a cute 11 month old. And I’m sure it’ll get boring really quick like. Instead, I’d like to talk about some things I’ve been learning as an (almost) 1 year mom. I’ve learned a lot and most of it is really encouraging, so I hope it would be encouraging to others.

The first revelation, as I’ll name it, is so profoundly simple I think you’ll think me idiotic for writing it as anything other than a fact of life. That being said: Life goes on. So simple. Not only does it go on, it gets better. This is something I never ever thought to think as a youth – that life could be better than where I’m at now. I looked at later 20’s, 30’s, 40’s as the downhill slope. I feared it, as I think most people do. I think our culture preaches that the 20’s are where you need to live it up, party hard, and don’t care about the future too much because it’ll just get worse. The “glory days” = your 20’s. I also see people on social media touting that they don’t want children so they can not only enjoy their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, etc since kids just weigh ya down and make life so much worse.

Life doesn’t end when you’re old. Life doesn’t end with kids. Life doesn’t end when you turn 25! In fact, DARE IS SAY, it gets better!! Zak & I were having a talk about something he regretted not doing. When we came to the realization that we can still do this thing. Just because we’re older & have a kid doesn’t mean life ends or the fun stops. I had the realization while I was thinking about Jay being 1 on the playground. I was able to imagine Jay as a kid, running around, playing catch, chasing him in the pool – and I got excited. Not only is there so much to look forward to with him, but with all of life. 

I was praying this morning after reading Romans 5 & 6, about how much more I have to understand about my own sin & all that Jesus did on the cross for me. The temptation was to get overwhelmed with how much more I have to learn, but then it dawned on me that with so much more to learn comes the learning. That’s ALWAYS good with God because God is GOOD. And he is on our side. In Romans, Paul talks about how we’re now “friends with God” – don’t friends want what’s best for their peeps? I know I do. I’m about to help plan a wedding shower and I want it to be the best for my friend because she is the best! How much more does God want the best for us?! As he corrects and teaches, I know there will be gifts & provisions every step of the way! (Like a wedding shower, lol. You get all these cool new gifts, but they enable to you navigate your new life and all the lessons you’ll be learning along the way.) Every lesson I’ve learned with God comes with a true blessing I can hardly believe is real. I can only expect that for the future years to come.

Part of this revolutionary aspect of this revelation for me is my fear of death. With some of my health concerns, it’s hard not to feel like I’m dying. At random, for unknown amounts of time, I feel completely taken out of life. And I start to fear… will it always be like this? Will Jay have a mom who is stuck at home because her fear of an episode in public enslaves her? What about a second kid — isn’t it irresponsible to even think of another when some days I can’t get out of bed to care for one? These fears bring death to life. Literally. It’s like I’m already dead when I let these fears win. Every day for a very long time I’ve been asking God to help me with these fears, to not let them win, and to increase my trust in him. I think, at least this week, I’ve found some success here, thanks to God. I really don’t know how to control my fears on my own. I’m at a total loss. I really just need him. And he’s responded by giving me hope. Hope today, hope in what’s to come. I never thought I’d love life enough to be afraid to leave it. Which is also cool, in a weird way. 

I’m really thankful for my parents & their friends who have showed me how wonderful later life can be. I’m really thankful that it can get better. I am much looking forward to it, even if it isn’t as long as I’d like or as many things done, I know life can be fuller toward the end.

Hebrews 12 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Life is a race. It would be so foolish of Katie Ledecky to stop in the middle of her 1500 meter. Even though I would’ve when I saw the screen said she still had 20-some laps to go! But she didn’t. She just went faster. And she won. 

Which kind of leads me to the next/last revelation: God doesn’t promise to take suffering away, but he does give us things along the way to make it easier. I guess that’s also obvious, but to me, another lesson learned. I have read books, listened to sermons, studied passages, seen counselors on my journey through pain, depressive tendencies, hopelessness, anxiety… and I don’t have really any answers other than what I’ve read or heard from others. Nothing to add. But, I have learned to kind of accept the hard times because they shouldn’t define life. 

That’s it: pain shouldn’t define your life. Or, it doesn’t have to. Because, what does define life are the things that really matter. Sorry, it’s abstract and hard to put into words, but what I’m trying to say is that God gives us meaningful moments, full of purpose & value, that make life, no matter the hurt, pain, circumstance… worth it. So, I can either choose to focus on my pain my whole life, or I can choose to focus on the things that matter, the things that give me purpose, because the good outshines the bad. And these things make the pain, the sadness, the hard – easier. I think in a roundabout way I’m trying to describe hope. But, the key is where you put your value. Will I put it in how I feel today? Or in what matters? Value in the painful, the temporary or put your value in the valuable – the significant, the eternal! It’s a mind game, or a battle of the mind. And a lesson to learn with the Lord – trusting that my symptoms today don’t have to relegate my entire being, my whole life. That my life is more than how I feel because I matter to God and what I do for him matters. 

I found this extraordinarily true this summer. I’ve been able to connect with new people and had several opportunities to talk about God with people I love deeply who don’t know him. Those, despite a summer of pain, have meant the world to me. And aren’t over. I’ve gotten to see my husband thrive in his area of gifting, making me explode with joy even when I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve gotten to meet new friends through my son, which I’ve really always enjoyed hitting it off with others and learning about new people. I’ve gotten to see my friends’ faiths triple as they get ready to bring new life into their lives, or start new relationships via marriage. These moments mean so much more than my pain. And these moments give my life meaning that surely outweighs the hurt & the hard. Purpose does that. It belittles the temporary, painful and highlights the eternal, significant. 

All the while I’m writing this, Jay is crawling (backward) circles around my living room, knocking over my trash can, and laughing at my cat. Ahh, peace, joy, the hope that fills my ungrateful, hopeless heart. God’s gracious enough to let me in on the wonders of life. A life of love, a life I love. 

Baby Jay made it to 6 months today! And wow, I can’t believe we made it. 

Recently, I got to teach on Daniel & the lion’s den from Daniel 6 at our Bible study. To my surprise, a point I focused in on was gratitude. I think God really put that one on my heart for myself… I struggle with gratitude. My strength is in negativity & I’ve learned over the years the opposite of negativity is actually gratitude. I’m such a stupid little butthole that I’d look at the people who could be positive all the time & just assume they were lying or looking for attention. Now, I strive to be them.

Because, I have a lot to be grateful for. More than I can understand or my ungrateful, negative heart can even see… Well, choosing to be grateful has made a real difference in my life. Especially in the midst of raising a kid. I was just at the point where I felt like I was starting to lose myself. All of my thoughts are about the baby or my basic needs (like when I was going to eat & shower. But not: what is God doing in my life, how are my friendships going, who can I love today…) I was starting to feel hopeless, but I thought that was just normal. Then, I got to look into Daniel & how he responded to suffering. 

Now, let me preface this: when I started studying Daniel, I thought: there is NO WAY in hell I’m going to compare my life to his! He was kidnapped at a young age, raised/brainwashed into a new culture, faced multiple death threats because he believed in God. Now, I can relate to absolutely none of those things. Yet, he sets an example, as I learned – in the face of fear, run to God, no matter the situation. I think the danger is letting “little” circumstances in life pile up thinking I can handle this myself. Then, one day, you’re isolated, only knowing how to deal with the big stuff alone. So, in the mundane, we need to learn to seek the Lord for help so when the big trials come, we can stand firm no matter what. And that’s what I got to see in Daniel. Between his trials, he prayed and thanked the Lord. He made that a habit. I think Daniel could see God more clearly than I ever could and this knowledge urged him to praise and thanks the living God. I trust his insight and have felt the need to follow his example. 

Let me tell you what, gratitude does change it all. And even when I’m in pain, or afraid, or feel like I’ve ruined everything & everyone hates me – being grateful changes your entire perspective on life. Even being alive is something to be grateful for every day! 

Another thing I’ve really been grateful for in my gratitude lesson lately is grace. Being a mom has changed me, and not in all the best ways. Again, my thinking has totally changed as my life has. And frankly, it’s really inward. Even though I’m thinking of my kid all the time, it’s still my kid, my time, my schedule. I see how much more rigid I’ve become. It’s scary… I remember being so carefree. I long to be like that now. To be like my sister or my own mom – they’re really great examples I want to be like someday because they will literally drop everything if I ask for help. No schedule gets in their way! No tiredness or just feeling sad… And my sister has a toddler & a baby on the way! Jeez, it’s so cool. But yeah, that’s not me. I’m much more scheduled and planned than I thought. I knew I was controlling, but actually, turns out, I’m a control freak. And that sucks. I’m seeing how much that hurts my friendships, my marriage & misses opportunities the Lord has probably been putting in front of me to take. Those exciting adventures he puts in front of you that you can easily miss if you’re sticking to your plan for the day (all about me!) So, grace has really been huge to me lately. In so many ways I am not a good person. So many nights I fall asleep thinking about all the ways I was mean, rigid, judgmental, hurtful… But then, Jesus enters the conversation: and he says, I forgive you. And then my friends enter the conversation, my husband too, my family – and they forgive me for my inward, controlling ways. 

I had the pleasure of catching up with a friend and our conversation ended on “being quick to repent.” She’s a strong willed lady whose been through some crap in her life. And now, she’s so quick to acknowledge her own sin and move forward with the Lord. I’ve been trying to practice this as I see my sin lately. It’s been so freeing! Instead of sitting in guilt or promising to be better next time – simply saying, “I messed up, I’m sorry” – wow. That’s it! That’s all I can do! I can’t fix myself. I pray for me, for my friends, that we can all learn to be quick to repent. To say: yeah, I’m not good, I mess up, can you forgive me? Then go on living & learning. I hate how much I hate being wrong or wronged. But how many times a day do I wrong others? The only solution is grace. I am very thankful for my friends that have stuck in there with me through it all. I am so far from a good friend. I get in my head, I get insecure, I get jealous which leads to imaginative feuds and conversations and bitterness. All because I think I know, my negativity, and my inward thinking. Where would I be without Jesus? Completely alone. Or with some sorry souls that would be so annoyed with me every day! 

All that to say, I’m really grateful for my baby. I think in some ways God has been using him to teach me about gratitude, too. He literally smiles at everything. I am astonished. Where did this happy baby come from? Zak & I aren’t the most fun people. Our idea of fun is a good book & some good beer with a quiet night pondering the depth of the universe… not everybody’s cup of tea. Definitely not fun. But this guy, wooooohoooo, he’s a good time. He laughs & laughs. He observes & coos at all the new things he’s learning. He begs for you to relate to him every second and loves everyone that will give him any attention… Wow. I feel like I’m really learning what Jesus means when he says that the Kingdom of God belongs to little children. This audacity & innocence to enjoy life is what it must be like when all you know is love, security & see through a lens of excitement… it is what it must be to be close to a loving Father, God! May he keep teaching me gratitude through this little guy
And here’s a pic if that’s what you came here for: 

Thanks for reading this. I really like writing. I’m really grateful for the time to sit down & write today. And I’m really grateful that my little, limited life here in Ohio that is so absolutely small & meaningless, is actually rather significant to God. 

Here I am – it’s 2021, I’m a mother, Jay survived, we’ve dodged Covid so far… There’s a lot to be thankful for. 

Last night I had the privilege of attending our fellowship’s (fellowships’? fellowships’s’s’s’s’… lol) New Years Eve party to ring in 2021. Obviously, it wasn’t a normal party. It was outside of our new building (under construction) in freezing weather, masks on (thanks, Covid) – BUT, it was so great seeing everyone. And worth the 6 hours in the cold! My mom babysat. Zak & I were free to enjoy the evening. Typically, I would feel overwhelmed having to take care of the baby & try to quickly catch up or apologize to whoever is talking to me because my kid is crying in the cold… So last night I made the decision to stop to talk to whoever I passed. There were a lot of people there. & I had the most fun I’ve had in a long time… I got to talk to old roomies, old neighbors, my dear young friends (who offered free babysitting!!), old faithful friends, new friends, joke around with my good friends, watch silly friends deal Black Jack hilariously… So many great times. I know everyone’s been saying it, or at least thinking it, but 2020 just really brought weight to relationships of all kinds. And last night really sealed that for me. I am so thankful to have so many people I can run into & genuinely love & know they reciprocate that, no matter how long it’s been or how different life is. I know I am blessed. 

Especially because this year showed me how despairing it is to be lonely. One of my dear friends last night asked me when I would write a blog following up my last one looking forward to motherhood, pre-baby Jay. Truth is, I’ve wrote many… MANY. (I process by writing. I’m an over-sharer here & on social media. I know some people view it as pathetic & possibly looking for attention – those both may be true, but hi, it’s me. I can’t change that too much.)

ANYWAY, I’ve been trying to process this whole change through my words. And I haven’t posted any because… well… they’ve been pretty dark. My untitled documents make it seem like I really regret becoming a mom. I don’t. So, I’m glad I didn’t share the rawness there. But, I am glad I have those because – well, it IS HARD. Especially for me: a selfish, comfort loving, spoiled princess. I had my world rocked with discomfort, loneliness, isolation, dark thoughts, alienating thoughts, hopeless thoughts… But, the air is starting to clear. I’m getting my vision back. The truth pierces the darkness. Nothing sits so dark too long. Alas, I still want to share what it was like, so I can remember. And if anyone reading this wants to know (& be prepared if they’re anything like me!) 

I wrote this right before he was born: “here I am in my beautiful home that is clean, surrounded by presents people got for me and my baby, by my clothing, without needing to work — and I’m in unrest. My spirit is vibrating. My soul is sad. My hope is dwindling.” 

I wrote on about how I longed for the peace I knew the Lord brings, that which Abraham & David had. And how I couldn’t find it & hadn’t seen it for weeks. I hoped & prayed it would come… 

There was a 2 month gap… That two months was full of pain, tears and very, very sparse words written in frustration & anger. I don’t want to post those. But, I know they were real. And I remember much of those feelings vividly. However, a lot of that made sense – my hormones were so out of sorts! (On top of pregnancy, my doctors messed up my hormones I take daily for my thyroid stuff & so it was extra terrible.) I was hardly getting sleep! I felt alone! (Pandemic + Zak at work all day + not being able to see or relate to my friends.) It was really, really dark. I remember hardly enjoying my baby. I felt so guilty. I just knew I didn’t deserve him at all. 

At 2 months in, I wrote this: “I get that women say that they change after having kids. EVERYTHING CHANGES. I am no longer the woman that I was before this baby. But, is that a bad thing? I can feel my soul and heart changing just as joints and muscles change with growth. Just as my son is new, so am I. I am new. Is that bad? No, it’s good… growth. I feared this whole being different than who I was, but it’s relieving. I don’t have to stay the same. If anything it gives me more of a sense of what’s to come in life. I had such a hard time understanding future. All I could comprehend was the now. I think this in itself is growth; the ability to start to see what’s ahead is possible. I’m not so closed into thinking my world is always going to be this way or that way.” 

This is when I really started to realize that everything is temporary. That’s what I’ve learned! Suffering isn’t forever. Feelings aren’t forever. Isolation isn’t forever. Doubt isn’t forever. 

At 3 months, it got bad again… “And as a person fueled by feelings, those have been all over the place. Good, bad… All the way up, to the lowest depths I’ve ever felt… a whole new meaning of love, sincere hatred. All that and more.”

I also wrote about all of the unexpected ways I felt alone. I think this is actually important to mention because moms DO NOT get enough credit here! Now that I am one, I can start to see that. And how my heart goes out to mothers all over who get through all of this – alone. If you’re interested, this is what I wrote about that & what it’s really like: 

One thing that I’ve heard that’s proved true to me is how lonely being a mother can be. This one was honestly a surprise to me because I like being alone. I am a homebody. I know how to be social, I enjoy it. I like friends a lot. But, my favorite times are mornings, all quiet, that seem to last forever with a book, or my Bible and my cat. That true peace has been obliterated with a baby. I just sat down and wrote in my prayer journal for the third time since August 30th… This is something I used to do everyday and would wake up early and excited for. 
So, the first part of loneliness is that I haven’t gotten my daily chats with the Lord like usual. That’s definitely sad for me. It’s changed everything with our relationship *on my end. I know nothing has actually changed, but I have needed to find new ways to try to connect with my Father… It’s been really hard. I loved feeling so seen by him in our hours together. Now, there’s no time to sit and talk like the friends we are. There’s always something to do. Our conversations are cut short and are usually initiated by me as I’m falling asleep. And they ALWAYS begin there with “thank you for my bed…” Not as deep talks like we used to have. 
Another aspect of loneliness is feeling like you don’t know what to do and there is no one you can go to for help. A huge hurdle to jump that I’ve heard multiple women say is they don’t know how to ask for help because they don’t even know what they need. This produces a feeling of loneliness, in me anyway. Because, it’s just me, and this baby, and we have to figure it out. I don’t even know where to start phrasing what I need help with. (Another typical conversation me & God have been having: “HELP ME. Amen.”) I’m really thankful for my group of friends that are also new moms & he app Marco Polo to talk out a lot of these feelings & fears. They make me feel seen. I can’t imagine doing this without them. 
Another part of loneliness: feeling forgotten. I know I’m not. My friends have been so very sweet. But, I’m definitely not the person I was before. I can’t stay out late, I have a baby. I can’t run over real quick, I have a baby. I don’t always remember to text, I have a baby. I don’t know what’s going on in your life unless you tell me because I have a baby. I’m still here, I just… have a baby. I hear about friends from other friends - exciting things, happy things - and feel sad that I don’t get to be there for these moments. (This isn’t just because I have a baby, it’s because of Covid which adds a lot more to the whole isolation situation.) I feel sad that people don’t seek me out like they once did. I feel sad that people feel like they can’t because they don’t want to take up my time or burden me, because… I have a baby. It’s all so contradictory… But, it is the way that it is. 
I don’t want to sound totally negative. It’s not. It’s definitely hard, though. What makes me happy these days? When he falls asleep in my arms and then sleeps through the night. When my friends I’ve known since I was a baby get to see my baby. When he smiles and screeches at his dad playing with him. When he recognizes my voice before I walk into the room. These are all really awesome things that come with the sacrifice… Ultimately, the sacrifice is completely worth it when you realize you’re partnering with God to raise life. It’s a miracle. It still is. The more he grows, the more I see it.

And now, here I am. FOUR months in. I just got to see people again… I got to spend the holidays with some awesome family… my friends are out of quarantine… my baby is on a schedule & sleeping through the night… my mind feels like it’s coming back. 

Four months later, I can say that I’m starting to feel like me again. But a better version. Still so, so, so far from perfect – if not further than before lol – but, starting to be able to remember what it’s like to breath the free air again. And bring my son into this life that I am thankful to have every day. I’m really excited to explore the world with him, to show him God’s creation, to show him what he can do with words and what words humans have made, to talk to him about Jesus. 

That prayer I prayed before he was born about peace & faith? That felt so far away for so long. Yet, God doesn’t forget. I’ve seen him answering this for me all over the place. Even though I don’t feel as close as we were, I know he hasn’t left me. It’s taken a lot more to feel close. But isn’t that true with every relationship? Things change & you have to fight to keep close. It’s not always going to feel like BFFs. But faith is just showing up, even if I barely made it in the door & don’t know why I’m here – LOL. 

Almost done – this blog is really all about me, as usual lol. I’m really finding a lot of joy in my son, though. I can’t believe how much joy comes from another person. He’s the best. I can’t wait to see who he becomes. He has such a personality already!!

Lastly, I’m pretty hopeful for my marriage. It was hard for a second… Still will be, I’m sure. (I hear the kids make it more difficult when they start like talking & making their own decisions, too. Yikes.) However, I have the best husband in the world who has carried me more times than I know through this hard time. I’m so grateful. 

Zak suggested I write thoughts down about what it’s like to live in a pandemic. I don’t have many, though, because I have something really competing for my attention: a baby. And let me tell you how much the baby wins over a pandemic. 

I found out I was pregnant at the very, tippy end of 2019. I took a test because I felt a little bit off and it was positive. I guess you don’t get false positives, but I was shocked because it wasn’t supposed to happen that quickly! Seriously, it wasn’t. If you haven’t heard, I’ve had some health trials in my adult years and with those trials was supposed to be the risk of infertility or at least harder to become and remain pregnant due to hormonal problems associated with autoimmune diseases. Yet – only one month after my doctor cleared me to start trying to have a baby and only 7 months after getting my thyroid removed – BOOM, there’s a positive.

Another reason why it wasn’t supposed to happen: I’m not ready. At 27 years old, I feel fresh out of high school. I’m still tired all the time. I can barely get dinners on the table for me & my husband of four years. I forget to feed my cat more than I’d like to admit and – most of all – I never wanted a kid.  (The whole starting to try thing was Zak’s idea. He was so excited. Granted, I did get more warm to the idea of my own child when I met and fell completely in love/obsessed/borderline stalker with my nephew Lukas.) 

So, how did this happen to me?! It wasn’t supposed to happen. And why me? Out of all people… It just didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t. Why would God let a selfish person like me in on this part of life – the whole creating life part? I don’t know. I still don’t, but over the last 9 months of growing a human what I have learned is that I’m involved in a miracle, a spiritual experience, that is so special and extraordinary, yet normal, that I would never take back, replace, change even for all the selfish wants in the world. 

I still get doubts if I’m “ready” or not, but here he comes. And I feel blessed to be his mom. 

I guess I started writing this as an encouragement for women who may be afraid to have a kid. I’m still afraid. If anything I am more afraid than I’ve ever been before. But that fear is so different since it’s triggered by all the good that is at stake. I fear for my baby’s health, and then I feel him kick and my fear melts. I fear for my health, but take a nap and end up okay, have doctors I see weekly making sure it’s really okay. I fear for the future, but think about how the worries of today are enough on their own and to enjoy the short (yes, short) 9 months given with a completely silent kid before the screams & tears come. I fear for my marriage, but fall into a warm hug, smile and laughter thinking about all the dumb shit we are going to do together and to this kid. I fear for energy, but wake up another day to friends asking how they can help (a truly beautiful body of Christ.) 

I fear for the word “mom” because it sounds so boring, yet consuming. Somehow, when you become a mom, that seems to be all that you are. Why is that? As I’ve thought about it I get mad because I think the negative connotation subscribed to motherhood comes from our culture. “When you become a mom, your life ends… You get so boring… You lose yourself… Your career dies… You don’t get anymore ‘me time’…” All these terrible sounding futures; my individualistic American girl soul cringes at the thought. But doesn’t Jesus say to “pick up our cross daily”? Doesn’t Paul say “to live is Christ, to die is gain”? Doesn’t David sing “A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!” The theme – “die to self” couldn’t be more clear throughout God’s plan for our lives, so the visceral reaction I have to motherhood is really me letting the culture decide to take the honor and privilege and importance away from giving myself for another human. Isn’t that what Christ did for us? Should not this be a dreaded task, but a position of undeniable honor?

And let me tell you what – coming from someone who didn’t ever desire a child – thinking of the sleepless nights, the sticky hands, the smells, the frustrations, the failure to come – all those things cannot outweigh the fact that I cannot smother the truth, the feeling, the reality that the honor is ALL mine. 

Lastly, I just want to go back to the “spiritual experience” point: that might sound weird because literally unfathomable amounts of women get to become mothers, so is it really that special? That’s one thing that keeps tripping me up – how is this so normal yet so profound? How is this such an extraordinary experience, yet happens many, many times a day all over the world? I don’t know. As my doctor tells me to relieve my anxiety: “You’re not special. Women give birth every minute.” Yet, I am special! Because I have another person depending on me and connected to me… Isn’t that a mind-blowing, wonder of life? It’s really taught me the beauty of life and, at the same time, the smallness. So many are born and die without ever feeling like they matter. As a soon to be mom, that breaks my heart. Is this how God feels for every soul born apart from him? If I could describe to a lonely, empty spirit the intense love felt for them before they were even born, wouldn’t that make a difference? I wish, I hope. Life is weighty. Although we’re here one day and gone tomorrow, life is a gift. Even though there are millions of us (billions), each one matters. And that’s the beautiful seeming contradiction I’ve added to the list that God loves to use: you’re not special, but you are. Why? Because I made you matter. Motherhood? It’s monotonous and boring, but sanctifying and spiritual. Why? Because God our Father gave us this experience to share creation with him. Life is full of down time and stupid, selfish thoughts, yet my thoughts have value and weight and my time can change the world. Why? Because God so loved the world that he sent his son to die for us, so that because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand – confidently & joyfully looking forward to sharing in God’s glory. 

I don’t know, man, it just blows my mind. And I hope my babe can one day understand more than I ever could about his heavenly Father. 

So, those are some thoughts circling through my head as I’ve been pregnant through a pandemic. Not so much the pandemic, but the pregnant part. And I’m still scared & tired so I’d appreciate prayers for safety these last 2 weeks and a safe baby. 

P.S. I guess it’s worth mentioning what it’s been like to be pregnant during a pandemic. Zak can’t come to any of the appointments, but we used Facetime when we found out the gender. My mom can’t be with me in the delivery room, which is sad because (remember how I’m a 27 yo high school graduate) I want my mom now more than ever. No visitors allowed after he’s born. And, a pregnant lady probably should take more precautions than I have been (but PTL, I have been safe!) So, there’s that! Overall, with things being shut down, I feel like I’ve gotten to rest more than I would have without a pandemic on the loose. And I am fortunate enough to live in an area not overrun with Coronavirus. I live in a quiet neighborhood where walking and biking have been a godsend. And the weather for Northeast Ohio this summer has been nothing to complain about – it’s been great! Which has been a wonderful experience to remain active without fearing for my life, as some have had to do in bigger cities. We also purchased a camper this year and have been able to get away into nature, which is really fun! Who needs international travel when you can plop down next to a lake for a week?! I haven’t given up grocery shopping just yet because it’s truly a freedom I’d risk my life for. Wearing a mask on a 90 degree day with a big ol’ pregnant belly smushing your lungs isn’t the most fun, either, but does make me feel safer. Also, an excuse not to hug every person I see is kind of selfishly great for a non-touchy person like me – lolz.

It will be interesting coming home from the hospital and how to navigate visitors for our little guy’s safety. But, as with all things, God has been so very gracious. And the body of Christ, even at a distance, has been a lifesaver! I wouldn’t know where to begin without the help & prayers of others!!